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my teenager don't care about consequenses

Posted by: marie on February 11, 2007 at 6:23PM EST

my 15 year old daughter might be having sex. I am so disappointed at her action. the other day i found her boyfriend in her room. he came in through the window. What bothers me is that she does not think this is bad. I also found out alot of ther things about her having to do with boys. She was a straight A student now her grades c's and it seems that she does not care. I had a long talk to her about the situation and told her that I am there for her and explained to her that we love her and care for her and everything that she needs to know about the consequences of having sex. I have always been open about talking to her about sex. She wrote me a letter telling me how she felt about life and I was so sadden about what she wrote. She wrote that she lost interest in school and being a good girl that she wants to do whatever she wants and and doesn't care about the mistakes that she makes. that the only reason she will try doing better in school is for her boyfriend. She also said she has been unhappy living with us and wants to runaway. I know she will she gets mad and has just left before for hours but i always calm her down and convince her to come home. My husband grounded her. and now hates her dad she says her dad is always in her business and hates him for that. I am thinking of putting her on birthcontrol but i am so confused and sadden about the whole situation. I can't even go to work i can't concentrate i don't know what steps to take next .

(4) Answers

Posted by: Kathy on February 27, 2007 1:28PM EST

You may need to have her talk to a counselor or psychiatrist. All teenagers pull away and ignore their parents at times. By talking to a professional she may get advice that will help her in some tough situations.

Posted by: Apollo GT on February 18, 2007 1:53PM EST

She does care. Remember we were once kids ourselves and think when we got mad about something we could have said, "I don't care!" But deep down we do and so does she. Let her know that her judgement is her power and her judgement does count. Excercise it well. Let her know also that you are not there to tell her what to do but only lending your thoughts...that she can use your suggestions as a benefit to herself as a person, an individual.
In her point of view she might be seeing things at school as bad and not helping her much. So ask her what she thinks she could have done so that it would make a different, make it better, or make it works. Then ask her how she thinks she could achieve that?
If she just simply give up on that she would be like those who give up on her.
What would she do when one day came where she realizes there is someone she really cares about and could have made a difference in his life or her life? Would it be too late and full of regret if she didn't empower herself with the right tools by making the right decisions? Many women in this country, and other countries, now, and before, had to struggle so much to get control of their own lives and later on be able to support or protect those they love.
She still has two parents who cares about her. Ask her to think of those who long for someone to care about them.
Mention that you hope she isn't using sex as a way to block out other issues that might be troubling her. Pleasure can go along with responsibility, and with responsibility comes authority and ability to do what she wants now and later in life.
Don't ground her. Allow her to show you how strong she is, how smart she is, and how she can be better than even you. But do ask her to show you those qualities and that you believe she is capable.
Don't say [I know you didn't] things like, "because I said so." That only shoving down the throat the level of authority without understanding and caring. Retaliation will take over if "because I said so" was used. And don't say "as long as you are under my roof," because that only show that when she is no longer under "your roof" nothing you had been saying matters anymore. Guide her and ALLOW her to think for herself, because she can...just need a bit of guidance now and then.
Also, the power of reason. That is why we are humans and not animals. Ask her what she thinks if she does this instead of that and so on, be a good listener and not to lecture the whole time. When you both get to point and discover what the problem might be, ask her how she would solve it and then, only then, add in your suggestion and only suggestion. Not demand and not a speech.
Let me know how it goes.
Apollo GT

Posted by: sj on February 14, 2007 10:58AM EST

Don't give up! Believe it or not, she still listens to you and wants you to be her parent! Studies show this over and over. It is so hard when you think your children are making bad decisions, but try talking to her and really listening to what she is saying. Sometimes they just want someone to listen to them and not preach or yell. Pregnancy is an issue, but so are STD's. Both are life changing and she needs to know the facts. Hang in there and keep letting her know you love her.

Posted by: Icha on February 12, 2007 1:41PM EST

I would definitely put her on birth control however, do you think she would be responsible enough to take them since you mentioned she doesn't care about the consequences. I've personally had the same experience with my son last year however, he advised me that he was going to runaway and I called the local area sheriff department to pick him, the officer talked with him and offered me some suggestions on a 1 day boot camp in Fort Bend County that cost only $50.00. Fortunately, the talk the officer had with my son changed his hold demeanor however, I keep the info handy. I refuse to allow him to run wild out on the streets at my expense. The BIBLE says "to spare the rod and you spoil the child". NOTE: If she gets into to trouble if falls on the parent so it's best that you exercise your parental rights. Cutting class becomes truancy and you pay for it not her. If you're interested I can get the info from home and send it to you.