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Pre Teen Control Freak

Posted by: Ellie Griffey on April 12, 2007 at 10:24AM EST

We have an 11 year old sixth grader girl who is the oldest of 4. We are very active with church and our kids go to Catholic school. We work very hard at faith formation and our oldest daughter has a good heart and has very meaningful faith.... She just happens to be a complete control freak when it comes to her relationships with her parents and siblings. She gets along great with teachers, friends.....nearly a straight A student in the gifted program at her school, girl scouts and very accomplished athletically and in piano.

We are at our wits end though with her thirst to get the last word in, always must be right, has to argue over the most foolish little things, is bossy and controlling with her siblings..... She continually decides even when we forewarn her.... she still has to argue, stomp off and put us in our place. AND she KNOWS we are angry and we have warned her..... What in the world can you do to change this kind of personality trait? We have been working on it for years.

There have been phases when things get better and it’s not like she is a vile child. We just know that we cannot allow this kind of behavior and it’s not fair to our 3 other children to be pushed around by her all the time. And, we are to the point that we don’t like her and we have a hard time being nice and nurturing..... Some times I can’t even look at her I’m so mad. I KNOW I’m the adult, unconditional love and forgiveness..... I agree with that ultimately, but how do we change this behavior and restore a higher level of tranquility to our home? We are not looking to make her prefect, but this ongoing anger/control/back talking.....needs to be brought under control. We have tried all kinds of punishments and rewards and charts and lists and journaling, long talks, crying, hugging, praying....

She has dug such a deep hole. Its like she has an obsessive need to behave this way. She knows its wrong and is like an addict. I wish I could change her birth order. I know being the oldest has a lot to do with it. Does she need a pychologist?

Thanks for any advice and suggestions.

(2) Answers

Posted by: Lily on April 16, 2007 11:01AM EST

Hi Ellie, I too agree with sj. However, I am wondering about her friendships. Does she treat her friends the same way she treats her family members? If so, I imagine she doesn't have too many. I ask this question because sometimes at that age the friendships are more important that the family relationships. I think a counselor is in order. At least give it a try! Good luck. Lily

Posted by: sj on April 13, 2007 9:37AM EST

Hi Ellie-- I have a 6th grade daughter, so I know this is a tough time of hormones and changing attitudes and such. She is the 2nd child though, and not so strong willed, so it is a different dynamic. My observations come from growing up with an older sister that sounds like your daughter. She was a red-headed, hot tempered, hard-headed child who took a lot of my parents' attention. She has grown up to be a lovely, generous woman-- who still does not understand why she acted that way. She says now that inside she knew she was crossing the line on things, but couldn't seem to get her emotions under control. My parents never knew what to do, and I know it was draining on them. Personally, I would suggest a counselor/therapist. I would research to find a great one that can help you and your child. Starting now before the teenage years fully hit, could be an investment in your whole family. Good luck.