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What kind of power do fathers have that mothers don't?

Posted by: Ginger on February 27, 2007 at 12:04AM EST

I am a single mom with an 11 year old; his dad and I are divorced a couple of years but remain very good friends. Tonight my son would not take no for an answer, and would not go to his room when I told him to. He just sat there and said "no.... and there's nothing you can do about it." Well, I started thinking: what can I do? Sure, I can take away all screens (tv, computers, games) cell phone use, friends playing, and replace all this with chores. But right then at that moment, what could I do? So I called his dad, who came over and promptly knocked on Jake's door (he had gone into his room by now). Jake was about to NOT let him in, when in his booming Dad voice (made booming just for the effect I believe) his dad said, "Open. This. Door.

Voila! Opened. "Come. Down. Stairs." My son tried saying no; then quickly reconsidered. We had a great family talk, and my ex said that our son would have to treat me with respect in word and deed, or that he would hear from him. I believe this worked. Now, my son's dad is more gentle by far than I am (I think) and yet he has this power over our son. What is it? And how can I get some?

(5) Answers

Posted by: Daisy on February 28, 2007 11:25AM EST

I find that my children don't react to me until my voice hits that certain level of yelling. I hate that! I do think though that it's because I am the one who has to deal with most of the issues that come up in our house, as do most stay at home mom's.
My kids do respect the fact that I have the ability to " protect" them from certain unpleasant conversatons with their father also. Perhaps when a not so great test needs to be signed, and dad's had a long day.
I do think they respect me all in all, and I'm trying to bring the pitch of my voice down a few notches.

Posted by: scooby27 on February 27, 2007 6:41PM EST

It's the opposite way for me. My son listens to me much better than his dad. It's probably because his dad plays the absent father role, giving in to his every whim when he is there, not wanting to ruffle his feathers. His dad will often drop him off and tell me that our son wouldn't brush his teeth or take a shower. I just look at him and say, please take a shower and he says okay. I'm firm but not controlling, he respects me. I explain why I want him to do things instead of just barking orders. It's hard these days working and raising a child on your own, communication is the best way to get things done!

Posted by: juff on February 27, 2007 1:21PM EST

I was raised in a family where mom was a pushover and dad's voice got your attention quickly. There is no doubt that my husband's strong voice gets the attention of my kids quickly. I will also say that he can be as much of a pushover as I am. Like anything, following through and consistency shows you children that you mean what you say!

Posted by: Sadie on February 27, 2007 12:08PM EST

I grew up in a family where we pushed the limits with my mother, but when my father spoke, we all jumped. I don't think it was that we didn't respect my mom (she was a saint), but there was a bit of the good cop/bad cop thing going on. And, I have to say that it worked for them. My mom didn't work outside the home and her line of defense when we acted up was always, "Wait until your father gets home!". This was usually all it took to straighten us up. There was definitely some kind of fear thing when it came to my dad--we knew he meant business. I heard once that kids are natural born gamblers--they wake up in the morning and say, "What kind of mood is mom in today?" They decide how far they can push by how much they think we can take at any given moment. Sometimes I'm in a great mood and nothing much bothers me and other times my nerves are shot and I fly off the handle at the slightest infraction. It's no wonder my kids push the limits with me; they've learned that it's a crap shoot and that they should just see how far I can be pushed.

Posted by: William Adkins on February 27, 2007 10:51AM EST

I'm probably going to say something "politically incorrect" here and in this day of gender equality (going both ways) we come to expect all things to be equal but as I read about you and your son, I remembered what it was llike to be a son living in a home with only my mother and older sister. From this point-of-view I must say that's just the way it is.

While he should not be permitted to disrespect you, I don't really think that's what his behavior is about. If your son is like I was, he wants his parents back together. I'M NOT SAYING GET BACK TOGETHER! I'm just trying to explain why this behavior is a way of getting what he wants and what he wants is not what you were saying no about but rather what he eventually got; his dad.

In my case, my father was over 1000 miles away and I would usually see him for just a couple weeks during the summer. Nontheless, much of my identity (especially at this age) was tied to my father. No man was stronger, faster or more virile than my father. He was the ideal standard I used as a gauge for my own transition into manhood.

Now, I'm not saying a single woman can't raise a son and I'm not saying your son should get away with this behavior. I'm just trying to show you a bit of his perspective.

To answer your question, "What is it and How can you get it?" It's being a man and obviously, you can't get it. What you can do, however, is see it in your son and help him see it in himself. I think this comes naturally for a father and maybe a bit tougher for a mother. An important step toward manhood is learning to respect women and it sounds like your ex made that point well.

Like it or not, your son (even though just 11) is starting to become a man. If you are like my mother, your instincts are to protect and your son will always need that but he also needs you to show your pride and confidence in his manhood. You can do that too.