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What to tell him?
Posted by: Hines on August 23, 2007 at 2:00PM EST

I`m newly married to a wonder woman and we just won custody of my 7 yr old son.He loves his step mom.His mother is an alcoholic,was in an abusive relationship for 6 yrs and struggles to keep a job.Part of the agreement in mediation was she was not to drink and to keep a job.She was doing great and was about to start getting unsupervised weekends with him.She called and cancelled on her first full weekend with him alone like she has many times before.She now no longer has a job and has started drinking again.She now can`t see him but still can call until futher notice.(another mediation,which will be at least til she can prove job stability and pass UA test.He was getting use to seeing her more and more and now he doesn`t get to see her again.He is smart and knows something more than use she is out of town is going on,but he has yet to ask any questions.

Here`s my question: What do you tell a 7 yr old when he starts asking for more detail questions,without lying to him?

 

Thanks in advance,

HWJ

(6) Answers
Posted by: Dorothy Stahlnecker on September 21, 2007 5:03AM EST
Me too, it's always the children who hurt. Sounds like you have a good women to help pick up the pieces. Telling the truth is the best way, how you say it is another. Mommy is sick and I hope that works. I also hope mommy gets it together. Any addiction is awful. This is such a good post. And your comments are so helpful. I love this site.... life is so stressful, all we can do is share.

Good luck and I'll pray for your strength
Dorothy from grammology
call your grandmother
http://grammology.com

Posted by: Mary on September 16, 2007 7:48PM EST
I have run into a situation like that with my kids and what I did was just simply say that daddys too sick right now. It is not lying because drug and alcohol abuse is a disease. I told them that he was sick in his mind and he will get better soon. Whenever he did relapse I told them that he was sick again. Thats all they needed to know.If he asks more questions than give him just enough but not too much info. He is still a young child and may not be able to understand. You know how muck he can handle.
I hope this helps you. Good Luck!Mary

Posted by: akela22 on August 28, 2007 11:31AM EST
I agree with sj. Honestly is always best. When he starts asking the questions be truthful. My husband and I have custody of his nephew who's parents are both heroin addicts. His father(husbands brother) is clean now for two years, his mother is not. He also has a 9 yr. old brother that his father just regained custody of. Nick has always known the truth about his parents. Maybe in some ways it wasn't good, but he knows that he's not to blame for anything. I know that he wonders why his father never fought as much for him as he did for his brother. But to be honest, living with us has been much better for this now 17 yr. old. He's been with us since he was 14.
We have a relationship with my husbands brother and I'm glad that he's been clean for a couple of years. My nephew has very infrequent contact by phone with his mother. She has not maintained her sobriety and is not allowed to see him until she does. I know there is alot of resentment there.
Good luck and just remember that kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Be honest with him and you nor he will regret it in the long run.

Posted by: anna on August 28, 2007 5:33AM EST
that is a tough situtation and i have never known an alcoholic , but I think I would just say that his mom loves him but is going through alot of struggles right now and needs some time to work things out. that way eventually as your child grows older he will become more aware more and more and what he learns about his mothers problem will be more age appropriate , snce a 7 year old cannot posibly understand the complication of alcoholism , depression and such. as long as you dont make him feel like he has to defend his mom or make him feel like his mom is a loser , and just tell him that his mom is his mom , but just having some trouble and needs time for herself . anyway hope that helps.

Posted by: sj on August 24, 2007 4:15PM EST
Honesty is so much easier than making up excuses. I'm with Lily-- alcoholism is a disease, and hopefully his mother will be able to break free of the addiction. My little sister has been clean for 7 years now-- and I had honestly given up hope that she could do it. She did though, and she is now a great mother. Having you and a great step mom will help him to be able to talk about what he is feeling inside, but sometimes you may have to bring up the topic. You can ask him how he feels about not getting to see his mom as much right now. That way he knows it's okay to talk about it. Kids pick up on all the vibes that we send out on topics that are uncomfortable for us!

Posted by: Lily on August 24, 2007 9:20AM EST
HWJ,
I am sorry that you are going through this situation with the mother of your son. I think children know so much more that we give them credit for! They are very intuitive. Why not explain to him that his mom is sick and needs to get better? This is the truth. Assure him that she loves him dearly and will be able to see him again soon. It sounds like they continue to have phone contact which is good. Maybe you could encourage him to write her a note or draw her a picture which you can mail to her. Good luck and I am glad you have such a supportive, loving person in your life who will help you get through this too! Lily

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