Parenting Tweens | Angry/Sweet Son

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Parenting Tweens

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Angry/Sweet Son

Posted by: lise on March 6, 2008 at 5:13AM EST

Hello.

I just joined today. I am very dismayed. Our 11yo son has anger problems. Tonight he attacked my husband, punching, throwing furniture, he pushed me (his mum) and wanted to go after his younger brother 8yo.

He wouldn't eat the evening meal with us, so we said that he could not cook himself anything later on. He eats now with us or not at all. So of course he tried to cook himself something and we said no. And it went from there.

Do others have this problem? I am scared, scared he's going to hurt one of us.

We are in familiy counselling, this is ruining our marriage - I'm just lonely and don't know where to go.

Lise

(7) Comments

Posted by: Amy on November 26, 2008 2:40PM EST

I agree with the suggestion for treatment. I am the younger sister of an older brother who was very abusive to me in our childhood. It was beyond the "normal" brother/sister rivalry. I was telling my parents since I was old enough to understand, that he needed help. They always brushed it off. Well, my brother is now in his 40's, and after maarrying and fathering two children when in his twenties, he wound up having a breakdown about 5yrs ago. He just got out of jail. I am convinced if he had been properly helped by proffesionals as young boy or man...that his life could have not turned out as tragic as it now is. he is being helped now with medication and counseling. I am afraid that it was just too late. So much damage has been done.
Please, trust your instincts, don't ignore his behavior or believe he will grow out of it. Also choose his mental health proffesional very carefully.The wrong doctor can just make everything worse. You may even need to doctor shop..i.e; trying several before you find a good one.Please take it from me. I haven't even addressed the damage my brother has done to me and the therapy and medication I have needed as a result. Don't wait.

Posted by: Tiny on October 1, 2008 7:39PM EST

Dear Lise
Oh my God, I am going through the same thing w/my 13 year old son. He is very disrespectful to every1 in my household. He tortures his little brother & sister. Sometimes he gets so upset that he says things like he wishes he was dead r he wishes I was dead. He wishes his sister or brother was never born. I get so scared at times that I am afraid that he is going to hurt himself or 1 of my other kids. We r going to counseling but I don't see any difference. Because the moment I tell him no, the rage begins. I stick to what I say now and that might be the problem but I don't know what to do. I try to talk it out with him to see what the problem is without screaming or arguing with him. But NOTHING seems to work. But all I can say is spend more time with him if you can and try to get him to talk to you more.

Posted by: Dore Frances on September 27, 2008 11:22AM EST

It is very likely that this boy now has needs which will require inpatient or residential treatment of some sort.

Some mental and emotional disorders reach such proportions that they can no longer be treated in the community or on an outpatient basis. It sounds like it won't be long before his behavior forces the issue and he could even end up in the juvenile justice system. One way or the other, at some point, he may need to be removed from the home and receive 24x7 therapeutic intervention if he is to survive his childhood and improve. Seeking an inpatient residential program is a good plan.

Posted by: Blondie on September 5, 2008 7:32PM EST

I know what your going through, my 10yo son is angry at times. He yells at me alot,he gets angry when we go some where as a family and throws such a fit,like let me out of the car, I will walk home or his new onw I hate my life. My husband has done boy things with him like snowmobiling or fishing things he likes until we try to take things away and he just says he does not care, if anyone can give me advive, please do...

Posted by: sj on April 8, 2008 11:45AM EST

How are things going with your son? I know this must be such a stressful time, but don't give up on parenting. He still needs you to set boundaries and be willing to enforce them-- hang in there!

Posted by: Sally Baptiste on March 29, 2008 11:46PM EST

Dear Lise, i know what it is like to be scared of a kid. My daughter went through some sort of anger issues at the age of 13. However it was because she did not approve of my fiance, needless to say I learnt later on that I was sending the wrong message to her and did not take the time to conect with her by attempting to talk to her at the right time before tempers started blowing up and situations got out of control. I have since learnt to take advantage of all the good times that we are having to encourage open communication and not get angry or discouraged when I hear things that I do not agree with.start today take one step at a time and give your son an opportunity to really talk to you when he is not angry let him know that you care. Remind him of the fun times that you had before and never allow him to see your fear or disappointment in him before he starts opening up to you. I wish you all the best and hope that you will be encouraged and reach out with your heart.

Posted by: Bill on March 8, 2008 10:31AM EST

Sorry to hear about your problems with your son. Unfortunately in todays world children are exposed to a lot more than we as responsible parents would like. School, violent video games, the media, and yes even our own actions.

Children watch everything their parents do. That is how they learn. That does not mean that you are a bad parent, it just means you have to monitor more closely what their activities are, who they are friends with, and where they go.

Children may not appreciate be monitored so closely now, but they will later. It's up to the parents to decide what is right for them right now. When theyare older then it will be time for them to make their own decisions.

Children of all ages look to their parents for guidance whether they say so or not. If they don't get it from us they will get it from someone else. Good or bad.

Check out this site hosted by Dr. James Lehman for some good advice and responses from counselors. I purchased some of his material and it really helped. Plus you have support available.

Good luck and I hope this helps.