Parenting Tweens | Giving freedom...but how much?

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Parenting Tweens

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Giving freedom...but how much?

Posted by: Mom2myGia on January 9, 2008 at 9:54AM EST

Middle school = change. BIG change. Especially for my 6th grade daughter who, until a short while ago, suffered from separation anxiety that caused her to miss out on everything from birthday parties to organized sports. She never dreamed of wanting to go anywhere or do anything without me. But now, just a few short months after starting middle school, she is ready to spread her wings a bit. She's still perfectly content to have me around but I know she's feeling the pressure from her friends to go off on her own.

She's got friends who can be dropped off just about anywhere with just about anyone...no questions asked. While other friends are all but kept under lock and key except for school and church. Where do we fit in? How much freedom is appropriate? How much is too much?When is it ok to drop my child off and when should I stick by and supervise? This is what I'm struggling with.

Some of Gianna's friends go to the local rec center on Friday nights to play dodgeball, basketball or swim..... or hang out and make a nuisance of themselves. Do I drop her off? Do I stay?

She loves ice skating and has introduced it to several friends. They've been asking to go at least once/week if not more. Do I drop her off? Do I stay?

Of course, every now and then there's an easy one...like the boy who called to ask my daughter to a movie and wanted to know if she could go without a parent. Ummm.....NO. Where I come from thats called a date and my 11year old is NOT dating thankyouverymuch.

So I ask you, my fellow tween parents...what freedoms are you giving your children these days? How has it changed over their tween years?When do you stick around and when do you let them go on their own? I dont mean school or church functions...I'm talking about public places where kids may want to go like movies, skating, the rec center, the mall. How do we know when to let go?

(5) Comments

Posted by: Gigi on December 23, 2008 12:49PM EST

I have 2 tween girls (11 and 12), I have not been ready to "drop them off" if there was not another parent (one that I actually knew) present so when there is not another parent i offer to let her (them) go but I will be there (in the background). I ask them to check in with me every hour or so. It is certianly not their first choice but it allows them to participate in the activity and keeps me happy.
My husband is very strict and pretty much refuses to let them have any freedom such as staying home alone (the 2 of them), going anywhere without a parent (even if I was ready for it). I am concerned that if we do not let them start having some freedom that there will be negative repercussions in the future. My husbands stance is "if something were to happen to them and it was because of something we did he would not be able to live with himself". I have used all the explanations/arguements I can think of... I dont want to let them go either but I know that I have to. i think they are old enough (and mature enough) to be at home alone, to go to a movie without an adult present, trick or treat etc....
I guess my question(s) are - What are the next steps towards freedom after "no-freedom"? and How do I get my husband to see that we have to let them take the next step towards growing up?

Posted by: Amy on November 26, 2008 2:56PM EST

My oldest child is 13,then I have 12yr old, and finally a 9yrold. I don't believe there is a majic age where a child should be allowed to do this or that.
I, thus far, have been judjing freedoms based on the child. my 13 yrold has looked physically 17 since she was 12. Scary? Yes. However, I was exactly like that as a kid myself.My mothers reaction was to treat overprotect and basically allow me no freedoms. The result? I lied, snuck out of the house...then when I went away to the University at age 17? I went wild. Basically a 30,000 per year party, all paid for by my parents.
My philosophy is respect and honesty, beget respect and honesty. My 13 yr old has a lot of freedom and will continue to get more.Why? She has proven time and time again to be completely responsible. Her own friends call her "mom". She is an honors, straight A student and is popular for all the right reasons. She keeps company with mostly older teens. Older teens with values such as hers.
My 11 yr old daughter is more immature for her age. She seems years younger than the 13 yr old, and I need to see what freedoms I think she will be able to handle or not. Would I drop her off at a skating rink or the movies or the mall with a group of friends. Yes I would. Would I be comfortable with her hanging out with 16 yr olds when she is 13? Probably not and she probably wouldn't want to.
I guess I agree with the case by case basis. If he or she can't handle the freedom, they will surely prove that by lying or behaving inappropriately..or choosing peers who are that way. Trust your gut. But please don't be over-bearing or smothering. Then they really go nuts.

Posted by: Bill on February 10, 2008 12:24PM EST

My daughter will be 12 Feb 21st. Having been through this already with my 3 older children who now have children of their own, I can tell you that each child is different. Some will want to cling and others want independence.

First and foremost we must be their parent. I know, we all want to be our child's friend. They depend on us, whether they admit it or not, to keep the reins pulled in a bit and guide them along.

My oldest daughter, who is now an RN, told me once when she was in middle school, " Dad, I'm glad you don't let me do everything I want to do. I told my friend I couldn't go with her and she said, " I wish my parents who cared enough to tell me no sometimes."

Actually at the time my wife had decided she wanted a life of her own and shortly before this walked out on us. So I was a single parent. It is especially tough on a single parent because you don't have someone to rely on to make decisions when you are not there. In this case the child will normally make the wrong decision due to peer pressure. Not because they want to go against you. They just don't think as an adult and they can't have the foresight to see the harm in what they may be doing.

Being a parent we cannot always be as honest as we would like either. Sometimes we have to bluff because our kids are just testing us. It is difficult, I will admit, to judge just when to do this.

All three of my older children have since come back to me and said, "WOW Pop, we were a handfull when we went through puberty weren't we. I'm glad you were there."

Don't forget that they learn how to be parents themselves from us. They watch what we do and how we handle things and then pass this along to their children as well.

I'm not saying that I was the best parent. I'm just saying that I did the best I could at the time and listened carefully to what they were saying. There is a lot of reading between the lines for a parent in todays society. However there is also a lot of help available these days.

Posted by: joe bruzzese on January 10, 2008 5:34PM EST

Wow! Welcome to the middle school years. Freedom is a tricky word. Responsibility may better capture what you are asking. How does your daughter take on the challenge of responsibility (responsibility for her actions in a public place, responsibility for calling home when she realizes she may be in over her head).

Along with responsibility come three other words I like to talk about with middle schoolers: confidence, connection and challenge. Here's a short ebook that might help you along the journey. Enjoy.

Posted by: sj on January 10, 2008 9:39AM EST

I think your child will let you know when to let go! As long as she is fine with your being there-- be there! It won't last! And you have to make these decisions on a case by case basis. If you feel that somewhere that they want to hang out doesn't have enough supervision, then you hang around. You don't have to hang out with the kids, but you bring a book or magazine and remain in the area. My daughter is 12 1/2 and I let her and a friend go to the mall by themselves last week-- it was a big deal. Of course, they were ready to come home after an hour. You seem like a "tuned-in" mom-- just follow your instincts. But, prepare yourself for the coming days when you are cramping her style by being mom-like--- that's really hard!!