Ya'll might have read my funny/poignant story about my son's anxiety before taking off for summer camp last summer. When  he came home, his dad posted this on his myspace blog. I asked if I could post it here, too, thought you might like to see the full circle:

 

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How do you feel about having dinner with your kids on a more regular basis?  There have been studies which suggest kids who have dinner with their families tend to not drink and participate in drugs.   Could a simple action such as having dinner with your family have an effect on what they will or won’t do?  If this is true, could families reevaluate kids’ schedules today, and make sure they are home for dinner?  Oh, and this is new. Maybe after dinner you  work on their homework and  make sure they are prepared  the following day at school.

So if parents were able to spend as much time with their children at home, as they do driving in cars to extra circular activities….you might find less pressure on the kids as they are more prepared because of parents efforts? Sending the children to school next day feeling they are ready for a good school day.

Today, kids are tired, stressed and no one is really happy with busy schedules which never seem to end. Further no one is willing to suggest  staying home instead of that second sport or event could make more sense.

Consider eliminating some pressure for you and your child. Enjoy  a great dinner and conversation at home.  Really, how silly…..who would want to eat a good meal and talk during dinner. And further speak to each other and act like your  really interested in what the other did  today?   How foolish that I should think dinner with the family  might be nice for a change…?

For any of you who will be mad that I should suggest dinner is more important than activities and sports...not on your life..what I am saying, everything in moderation, and if you can adjust your  lives so you can have dinner as a family.. Darn it, do it.......

We have and we're finding eating together is fun. You learn things you otherwise would not...  There is a deeper sense of family, and commitment to each other and we do talk about drugs, sex, and alcohol. Try it for awhile..and see how it goes, you could be pleasantly surprised.

Dorothy from grammology

Call your grandmother

http://grammology.com

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This week marks the High Holy days, and my son said he didn't want to go to services. I can understand -- he's 12 and he'd rather be doing anything that involves a screen.  Still, he knew that not going was not an option, and he understands the beauty and significance of the time in synagogue. But even so, I tried to remember what it was in which I found joy when I went to services with my family as a child. What I remembered was standing near my father and having two uninterrupted hours of holding his hand. Because he worked two jobs, I didn't get this kind of time very often, and I cherished it. It brought me joy then and it brings me joy to remember it now. So as the choir began singing and we took our seats, I leaned over and whispered to my son, "Just think of this as two uninterrupted hours of love ... set to music." And that truly became our connection for the holiday -- we read the prayers together, whispered a couple of silly remarks to each other (for which we had to atone he next week -- irreverency, you know), held hands. I rubbed his back, brushed back his hair -- just little moments between the two of us that brought a reconnection as spiritual as the service itself. The time didn't exactly fly by for him, I'm sure, but it didn't drag by, either. As we walked the few blocks back to our car, we talked about the prayers, the sermon, and the fact that our great-great-great grandparents said the same words from the same place in the Torah generations and generations ago. 

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After all these years of running carpools back and forth and here and there, I have found myself at a new juncture in my life. My teenage son is driving and I find myself with not enough to do during the day. While I still have a daughter who needs my carpooling services, I'm looking ahead to next year and wondering  what am I going to do with myself?

Don't get me wrong...I haven't  just been living for my children these last 16 years, I've done the PTA, Garden Clubs, Junior League. Been there done that ! Now it's time for me, whatever that means.

Anyone else out there feeling the same way or have already gone thru this? I would love to hear from you.

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Stealing, cheating, lying are very popular topics today.  In fact I've discussed most of this with 3 of my grandchildren and it's a very difficult subject.

Many of the teens today, think lying and stealing is only bad if you get caught.   My mom brought us up with the  fear of God, and guilt.  I would never consider lying or stealing..Realistically kids have no fear.  So they do what they think they have to do to survive.

Do you think if we put the fear in our kids, we might have less of an issue with stealing and lying?  Have we been too easy on our children so they think they can justify whatever they do?    Every time, I see one of the stars get off from drunk driving, or fighting in the streets, or disorderly contact I shutter.   These things are never taken seriously and perhaps that's why Paris was made an example in her case.  Someone had to start the ball rolling in the other direction. When you think of it..there aren't too many arrests lately.  Maybe her experience had a positive impact on the community.  If you break the law, a lawyer will not keep you out of jail..amazing..

Values  should start at home. although, there is always the exception when good people have bad kids.  Most of the patterns in children today, can be related to their environments.

Lately, I've seen  several  children  left on their own, and some thrown out of their homes at a very early age.  How can we expect them not to lie and steal to survive?  Is there anything we can do to help the children or teens who need our assistance?

It's great to think about absolute values, it's another thing to help build them.  Ask yourself if you've ever discussed trust, lying, and stealing with your kids.  Lately we've been so caught up in worrying about sex and  drugs we may have forgotten to also focus on fundamentals of a good life.  Honor, truth and kindness...

I know I'm thinking about it again...and I'm  wondering why at   61 why my mom still seems like such a smart lady to me today?  How she was able to instill good values that lasted my lifetime.

Give, trust some thought.  Make a plan as to how you might approach this with your teens.  It's worth the effort...have the conversation and ask questions and listen to how you kids react to lying and cheating.  Start there and keep building.  It will also help you get to know more about your kids.  Good parenting does not just happen.  It requires time and effort.  (a lot of time and effort)  However, in the end its always worth it.  I hope you agree?

Regards,

Dorothy from grammology

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It's been hard, but forcing myself to not let my son talk me out of gournding and so on is working so far.  He woke me up this morning.  Cheerful, dressed and smiling!  God thank you for miricles!

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I feel horrible for asking this, and I believe I know the answer but here it goes.  It is against the law in Minnesota to put a 17 year old out, and my son uses this knowledge to say there's nothing I can do about what he does.  But isn't it (God forbid) legal to call the police and tell them you cannot control your child and ask them to take them away?  I think it's the only option to parents unable to control their teen, but it seems so harsh, and after 16 they don't bother with foster homes as far as I understand.  I don't want to do this, but I feel so worn out and abused by his behavior.  It is affecting my job, my sleep and my health trying to get thru to him.  Isn't there something to wake him up before it's too late?

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Since I'm usually complaining about my kid on this site, I decided to share a happy thought for a change.   School has been the bain of his existence ever since his elementary days.  However, he has entered high school this year and lo and behold has finally taken a course that interests him.  He's doing well in there (and in his other classes as well, thankfully) and has even been singled out by the instructor to demonstrate how to do the work.  He told me tonight that he joined a club related to this subject and that thrilled me.  He's not a joiner and I had feared that he would glide through high school without connecting the same way he glided through middle school.  But the fact that he has joined any club brightens my day.  I'm always telling him that school should be about fun, too, not just the drudgery of work.  But he would never get involved with anything extracurricular that would help make it fun.  Keep your fingers crossed.

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How do we get the power back after somehow letting them become in charge of us?  My son does the same thing as yours and asks me what I'm doing out of my room after an argument or snit.  Who the Hell told them they could speak to us like this but we ourselves.  I feel like the only way I can feel sane again is to wait until he's 18, sell my house and run for the hills.  I know he's not a "little" boy I can say go to your room with no lip, but how did I lose his respect to do as I say now?  Did we all let them have too much?  Protect them too much?  My son isn't ready for the harsh light of reality and it's my fault.  I want my freedom back now.  Where do I get the patience to allow him to bully me, wear me down until I say yes, sneak around when I say no?  Does anyone have a crash course that isn't going to get our kids killed when we have to toughen up and actually enforce "it's my way or the highway"? 

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my teenager who is 17 is giving me attitude to the max, and he is so up and down . my husband is no help just wonders around here like i dont know what , he is either a zombie or a crazy angry mad man and I am so sick of them both .

i have a 5 year old kindergardener who has to see his brother i should say half brother be mean to him , then of course I and husband is angry at the teen , I swear ! my house is fast becoming a looney bin !

i am so ready to dis own my teenager and divorse my husband cause he is selfish and only helps when he wants to , tonight he left for a movie by himself to un wind ( understandable) but he left when my teen was acting out very much so .. like banging his head in frustration over a video game , saying he was sick or everyones voice .. I told my husband what is going on with the teen ... my husband basically ran  out the door ... "idont F&(* know " he says and then he left. i tried to call him later not knowing when the movie was or if it was done he answered then hung up .  not even a hello . then now it is super late  like 9 30 ... i tried to call him again and no answer. clearly he is ignoring me .  my teen is  giving me a really nasty what do you want attitude... even so far to tell me ... what am I doing out of my room ! the nerve! i swear i am so done with him . not sure what to do though. my toddler loves my husband. I wish i could i just have no reason to. my teen has practically destroyed my relationship with my husband already . i just feel so sorry for my toddler.

my husband called me back but had attitude like he was trying to drive and hung up on me . I am starting to not care if people think i am a  bad mother for kicking my teen out at 18 .. even though I havent yet. rigth now it feels like it is between letting him live here and my sanity ! HELP !~ dont know what to do anymore.

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I've got three 17 yr. old young men at home. One is my youngest son, one is my husbands step-son(his mother died and we have custody from his birth father), and one is my husbands nephew(we got custody of him three years ago).
  Ok, here's the thing and I hope I don't ramble. We try to treat them all the same. I don't know if this is helpful or hurtful.
        My son makes decent grades and has never been in any trouble. He's looking forward to going to college next year. He's mouthy and very opinionated and just drives me crazy sometimes because he can't keep his thoughts to himself and says inappropriate things at times. From the time he was a baby, we thought he had some form of autism, and the older he gets it looks like he may have Aspergers' Syndrome. He knows that he is different, but hates the thought of being labeled. As a young child he was medicated for ADD until I took him off the meds and actually worked with him. He's very articulate and very well-spoken, but like I said often comes off rude, and can't keep his mouth shut when he should.
     My husbands step-son was on his own quite a bit before my husband and I met three years ago. His mother was an alcoholic drug addict who died from an accidental drug overdose five years ago. He was 12 at the time. My husband fought very hard for custody of him from his father because he is also an alcoholic, and lives in Florida. The boy wanted to stay here only for the reason that he has a half-sister(my husbands biological daughter). I think from the moment we met we butted heads. He spent a lot of time by himself in the house that they lived in. My husband worked a lot and left him alone a lot. His daughter was always at her "godmother's" house, then when we met she was brought into my household. He would allow his son to stay alone-even on school nights at the house as long as he kept in phone contact. Of course I didn't agree with this. He was after all, 14 when we met, and no child should have that much free time. To this day he resents that we made him move into my house and follow rules that he thinks are too strict. There are times that we get along very well, and he comes to me with problems, to talk, etc. He does ask for my advice for things and does come to me instead of my husband for a lot of things. But there is still that resentment underneath, and I don't feel that he really respects me. He is very quick to mouth off and "jokes" just way too much-doesn't know when to stop. My husband never got him into any kind of counseling after his mother died. He gave HIM the choice whether he wanted to go or not. I think he should have had some grief counseling. While she was alive, they lived a VERY tumultuous life. He saw things that no young child should ever see. I care for this boy, but really feel no emotional connection to him. He wants to move back to "his" house as soon as he graduates high school. Good luck with that. He doesn't even know how to boil water! I'm going on a tangent here sounding like I'm  picking on the kids, and I don't want to do that.
   Now to the nephew. My husband received permanent custody of him shortly after we got together. I helped with the process. His parents are both drug addicts, and if the stepson saw things, this boy saw and lived through even more, although my husband will never agree with this. He thinks his son was worse off. His son was not put into a "jail" school for emotionally/learning disabled children at the age of 7. This boy was wild from what I was told. When I met him, I saw the damage, but also saw that this kid could make it if he was given a chance. He moved no less than 5 or 6 times in one year. He does have some learning disabilities, but he's also intelligent. My husband & I only knew each other for a little over a month when we had his nephew move into my house so that we could start the process of getting him out of that jail school. The school district I live in is better than the one he would have gone into had he stayed at my husbands house. Anyway, he seems to be the one that requires the most attention. If you don't stay on him, he will sleep all the time, fail in school, and basically do nothing. He's had counseling and a home therapist since I met him. I'm not trying to give myself praise, but I fought hard for this kid. He and I fight the most of the three boys. He will lie at the drop of a hat, he's been busted(by us) for smoking cigarettes and pot. He used to go away to visit his half-sisters on the weekends, but when we found out he was going there and being drunk or high for the whole weekend and not actually spending much time with them(the step mother didn't like him being there), we put a stop to that. I feel badly that he doesn't see his sisters, but the family refused to make any other arrangements. We could have gotten a court order, but felt that would only make things worse, and my nephew didn't want to do that. So, he hasn't seen them in over a year. When he's not in trouble(which could be a lot worse than it is) he's very sweet, articulate and funny. He feels that he's treated unfairly in our household. My husband will jump on him for the least little infraction, but allow his step son to get away with murder, so I have to agree with that. The other kids in the house(there are 6 total including these 3) get along much better with the nephew than the step son. They see the step son as an arrogant, know-it-all who doesn't have a regard for anyone but himself, and actually can hang out at times with the nephew, although when these two are together, the nephews hard to get along with.
   Geez, I have rambled. What I need help with...they're seniors in high school now. Last year my step son and nephew were grounded for almost the entire year for poor grades in school. My nephew finally pulled himself up and started to do better, but my step son just seemed like he didn't care, although he claims he wants to go to college. The only college at this point that would accept him is probably the Community College here. My husband has said that there is nothing we can do this year if they decide not to do well in school. I feel differently. The grounding absolutely did not work, but there has to be something else. I told him that if my son does poorly in school this year there WILL be consequences. I'm pretty much going to let him take care of the other two himself. I know that if my son gets punished, and the other two don't, he will see it as unfair. My husband has always-so I thought-had the philosophy that you can't treat them differently. I guess we'll have to see right? Sometimes I just don't know what to do here. I feel like giving up and letting them act as they like, but then it sets a bad example for the youngest who is 11.
  Nuff, rambling, nuff said...anyone?
    
 

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