Surviving My Teen | Compulsive Lying to Peers

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Surviving My Teen

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Compulsive Lying to Peers

Posted by: Jane on September 8, 2008 at 7:21PM EST

My daughter is 14 and she is a compulsive liar. She not only lies to me, but also to her peers. While I don't like the lying to me, I do understand that teens lie to their parents. It is the lying to her peers that bothers me. She makes up these unbelievable stories about drinking and sexually activity that I know aren't true because she was at home with me when the "alleged" incident took place. And even when her friends clearly don't approve of what she did, she continues to lie to others. She was caught in a bad lie by her friends last year and almost lost her 3 closest friends. She lied her way out of it and won them back. I brought her to therapy and it seemed to work for while (or she didn't get caught) but she seems to be going back to her old ways. Everything I have read relates to lying to parents. Anybody have a similar issue or have any advise? Thanks!

(5) Comments

Posted by: Dag on September 29, 2008 9:24PM EST

I feel for you. Being a teacher and a parent of teens, one of the big factors I found when kids lied was that they were also using marijuana. It was so typical of these kids to lie. My child was one of them. I thought we had taught all the values of honesty, etc. but it seems that drug usage will cause the best of them to lie. This might not be your situation but don't ignore the possibility either.

Posted by: Jane on September 29, 2008 3:50PM EST

Actually I don't lie - and my daughter knows that honesty and trust are one of the most important values I have. I don't even call in sick when I'm not. I prefer to plan a vacation day - it is just easier than lying and then not being able to go anywhere for fear that my boss will call. My daughter doesn't see me lie so this is not the issue. I almost think that she has been such a good kid and wants to be dangerous but doesn't want to actually act dangerous.

Posted by: Dore Frances on September 23, 2008 7:39PM EST

Although your child's strongest influences are most likely peers, they do see how you behave and will often model their behavior and form ethical and moral beliefs based on your actions. If you have lied to your child in the past, you may have some issues to deal with beyond simply setting consequences.

If there is one behavior that turns teens off, it is adult hypocrisy. If they see their parents taking short cuts that defy their stated ethical values, children quickly absorb this information and see that what is said is not what is always done. This is not to say parents must be perfect, but you also cannot say to your child, "I'm adult so I can lie, but you can't." Teens simply don't buy that argument.

Dore Frances, M.A.

Posted by: Jane on September 18, 2008 4:23PM EST

Thanks! I do think that we got into a bad habit of no or negative attention. But in the last 6 months we are getting along much better. I will really focus on the positive and see if that helps. She is so busy with school all day then 2 hours of cheerleading, then dance, then homework we hardly even see each other except at dinner. And you're right, those tv shows are just so unbelievable and she thinks that is what her life should be like! Ugh! I will keep talking and listening - for the most part she is good kid and just want to keep her that way. Thanks again!

Posted by: sj on September 17, 2008 9:37AM EST

Wow Jane-- that is a tough one. Has she always had a really vivid imagination? Is she having a hard time living with the hum-drum of her everyday life? Is it to get attention? Sometimes if kids aren't getting enough positive attention for just being who they are-- they seek out negative attention just to be noticed. Possibly the counselor talked to you about all this, but it is worth a second look. I also think that the shows that all the girls are focused on these days are sending such a bad message. ( I have a 13 year old daughter, so I know how hard this age is!) Gossip Girl, The Hills, The OC--- glamorous, rich, unsupervised kids living out a soap opera life in their teen years. Not exactly what our kids are doing-- going to school, doing homework, cleaning their rooms (ha!) playing basketball. Yawn. I don't know the answer here, but keep paying attention, listening and talking-- you are still the biggest influence in her life. Even if it doesn't seem that way.