I am harldy bellyaching about my kid. She is generally amazing, But lately my wife and I are noticing a coldness, a form of immature independence that shows a darker side than we are comfortable with.

Our 16 year old daughter is typically very responsible, a great student, self-starter even. She is popular socially...but when it comes to boys, she sort of freaks out. She shows signs of being a tease -- flirty touching (grabbing hands, hooking arms, etc). Then, when the boys starts to respond, she flits away. These are good guys, not pushy,  not disrespectful, the kind of guys you like your daughter to associate with. She is concerned with how her non-dating girlfriends will respond to her. Okay...

But recently she told a guy that she has spent a fair amount of time with and we (parents and siblings) have grown close to that she wants to be friends and no more, that the relationship can go no further. She did so without a conversation with either parents or siblings. It is cool to begin growing independent at age 16. I know that. Our issue is this guy has helped pull her through a very intense summer schedule with obligations that really burried her. He treated her like a queen, respected her, made her (and our) world brighter by his attitude and support. Rather than expressing appreciation for his uncommon valor and selflessness, she actually used him during this tough time and now is coldly "turning him into a friend."

In the past she "dated" guys that are his opposite. The darker, life sucking kind of guys that we had to extricate her from. The kind of guys that asked her to be defiant and rule testing...She appears to be tempted to pursue this type of guy on her own.

Our concern is not that she is growing independent, it is that her  judgement seems to be both naive and somewhat self-destructive. How might we shape this kid in this area before she is simply too old to influence? She is not sexually active, not yet tempted to be active. That is not the issue. It is more a drifting toward the grey than black. We want to redirect and nurture, not punish and control.

Thanks