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teenager induced stress!
Posted by:
Krisi on
July 19, 2007 at
2:41AM EST
Do any other Moms out there sometimes feel like trying to still have a handle on your teenagers decisions is sometimes more work (stress) than it is worth???!!!! Today, I feel like saying "whatever"... "you just do whatever you want, I don't care". Wouldn't my life be so much easier if I could just stay out of it?!
The story... : I have mixed feelings. One of her best friends is a christian girl, for that I am thankful. I have encouraged her to pick such friends. However, for some reason... I just have bad vibes about this girl. I have tried eaves dropping and I occasionally check my daughters email & facebook messagings, and I have not found any evidence of anything I should be worried about. But still, I am not sure about this girl. She's always real quiet around me and whenever she's around, my daughter seems sort of disgusted w me. Well, 3 weeks ago, I picked up the phone to call my daughter upstairs and, as usual, I let the person in mid sentence finish before interupting. Well, it was her friend going on about how "your parents never let you do anything". Well, after the phone call, I explained to my daught that she does not need friends like that who try to paint a bad picture about her parents. My daught has what I think is a terrific life. We are not wealthy, but are above average and are able to afford some finer things for her like... season theatre tickets, private voice, guitar, piano & dance lessons,lots of clothes & shoes... Most importantly, we give her so much love and plenty of time (especially since I do not work). I feel so confused because often, she mopes around the house and has just an "attitude" of "life's just here", "I'm so bored, there's nothing to do, oh poor me". Oh, how it angers me! And I'm sure it is due to this constant 'chip' she carries, that made me extremely sensetive to her friends words.
Well, she's been bugging me over the past 3 weeks about WHEN she could hang w & talk to her friend again. I told her she needed to first make a list that would 'enlighten' me as to just what it was exactly that we did not let her do that was so bad, that her friend could do. The list was given to me today... Her friend can, or has: 1. can call boys 2. has a cell phone 3. can go to the movies w guy friends 4. has parents who buy her clothes from the mall 5. her friend does not have a chore list. Well, there you have it. OK. For my daught. 1. I feel boys should call her. If they call when she's out, she can call them back. 2. Why, at her young age does she need a cell that she cannot afford to pay for herself? 3. I know what I did in theatres as a teenager. Ah, No way! 4. I am a clearance rack / thrift store shopper. 5. I feel chores are way important for kids to teach them responsibility.
Boy, was I mad when I read that list. (I am yet to discuss it w her. She left it for me to find). Am I missing something here? I swear, part of me just wants to say "Sweetie, Princess (sarcastically), You just do whatever you want because we certainly don't want for you to not get your way about everything in life. You just sit and relax while the rest of the family cleans the house, etc." I am frustrated. Can you tell?
Any thoughts on this friend? I hate to not allow her to have this friend because I know she will be crushed. However, shouldn't I be concerned? Is the fact that this friend loves the Lord a big enough reason for me to not make such a big deal over this? Help!
Krisi
(4) Comments
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Posted by: Sue F. on July 19, 2007 4:59PM EST
But I think the others have hit the nail on the head with the word compromise. It's time to start treating your daughter like a young woman. That means she needs to be responsible for her actions and needs to earn and maintain your trust. In order to do so, you will need to step back and let her start pulling away from you.
The cell phone issue was a constant source of conflict in my house from the time my son was about 10 until 13. At 13 I had to be at the hospital a lot with my mom so I finally gave in and bought him one since he was coming home to an empty house most days. He has abused the privilege and had his phone taken away from him. But now we have a written contract, signed by him, stating the rules and the consequences for breaking those rules.
As far as shopping at the mall, my parents did a very wise thing with my sister and I when we were teens. We constantly begged for name brand clothes that my mom refused to pay for. So they decided to give us a clothing allowance. That meant that we could buy whatever clothing we wanted (within decency standards of course) with those funds. However, it was a set dollar amount and did not get supplemented if we spent unwisely. So if we bought four pairs of expensive jeans and didn't have enough money to replace our worn out shoes, it was our problem. We had to wear those worn out shoes until the next allowance came around. It was a great tool for teaching us the value of a dollar and budgeting our money. Of course, we always earned extra spending money by babysitting or cleaning for neighbors, etc. But a clothing allowance is something you might want to consider.
I think going to the movies in groups is something you should consider allowing. We always had a big group of friends (boys and girls) growing up and it was fun to go out together in a group. If you don't allow her to take part in those outings, I think she'll be missing out and possibly be excluded from the group.
And I agree with you totally on the chores. But maybe you can loosen the reins a little bit on when they have to be completed. Maybe the complaint isn't the chores so much as the fact that they are interfering with time she wants to spend with her friends.
If you can find areas to compromise in, that will allow you to stand firm on the other issues that you feel more strongly about.
Good luck!
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Posted by: Cheer87 on July 19, 2007 2:41PM EST
1. I was always allowed to call boys. I'm sure growing up you had friends that were boys. In order to call them, they don't have to be any more than that.
2. I was given a cell phone when I was 15. I always beged my parents for one too, and they said that I was too young. You have to think though, kids are getting them at much younger ages. I needed one because I was very active after school, and I had to call my parents to pick me up and had to call them if a practice was cancelled. It was becoming an inconvience (and I started to feel bad) to borrow a phone from a friend every time. Then when I was driving, I needed it for safety reasons--if I got in a wreck or got lost and needed to phone home. The rule in my house was to always use the home phone if I was to call friends -- it was cheaper and I didn't have to use minutes. If you want to reach a compromise, that might be something. I probably used only 10-20 minutes a month during high school.
3. I was always allowed to go to the movies with a group of friends, but never alone with a guy. NOTHING happened when I was in a large group. That's what teenagers do on the weekends - go to the movies with a bunch of friends. You should drive by the movie theater on a Friday and Saturday night and see all of the kids waiting for their parents to pick them up. If you don't allow her to do this, then she's going to be missing out on a lot.
4. My mom always bought me the clothes I needed. If I wanted anything extra, it was on me. You might be a thrift store shopper, but it should be your daughter's choice if she doesn't want to shop there. When you were young, you probably didn't want to buy second hand clothes either (even though you can get great deals on brand name clothes!). Or take her to Lomans or Marshalls or Ross.
4&5. I've always had to do chores - clean my room, unload the dishwasher, do my homework, ect. You could give her an allowance for doing chores. This way you could go with sj's idea about spending the same amount on clothes that you do at the thrift store, and she would have money to spend if she wanted to buy something extra at the mall.
Finally, it sounds to me that your daughter is rebelling because you haven't given her enough space to move. If money is the issue, sit down with her and show her all of the bills you have to pay and your checkbook. You could have her write the checks and help ballance the checkbook for the family as a chore. This would help her understand and it would give you less work. You could also have her create a budget every month and follow that budget. Her friends are encouraging her to stand up and explain how she really feels. When you sit down to talk to her, make sure you don't put her on the deffensive. There will be yelling and nothing will get solved.
From an early age, my parents have always told me that they are proud of me. Yes, I am a good kid who follows the rules, but it wasn't until the summer after my senior year that I understood why my parents had some of the rules they did. It's not until you encounter other kids (who are your friends) and learn about their lives and about what they were allowed to do that you understand why your parents have certain rules -- they love you and don't want anything bad to happen to you. Sometimes your kids need to make mistakes in order to learn for themselves. It's okay if they get hurt and fall down. Establish trust and love between your kids that they can come to you when that happends. Don't tell them 'I told you so,' but be there to give them a hug and help them get back on their feet.
I know Christians who go out and party and get drunk all of the time. They also lie to their parents. This will happen in high school because many parents force their kids to go to Church with them. They'll use 'being Christian' as an excuse to do these things. I also know Jewish people who are the kindest and sweetest people. Yes, both religions have a reputation, but just like everything else there will be some people who don't fit in the stereotypes. Good luck with your daughter and I hope everything works out. I'll be praying for you.
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I've thought about this and the only thing I can offer is my personal experience. My parents and I somehow achieved a really good balance when I was growing up on things that I was and was not allowed to do. But the way that we got there was compromise. Have you considered having her earn the things she wants? Maybe give her an allowance for doing chores and she can save up for a cell phone, or she can get "credits" for going to church things- maybe for every 5 church events she attends she can go on one social outing with boys and girls. And I am totally with you about being a clearance rack shopping- I am the same way! But I get TONS of stuff on sale at the mall. I always head straight for the clearance rack and end up getting the same cute clothes just at a cheaper price.
I wish you luck!
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Posted by: sj on July 19, 2007 10:07AM EST
The going to the movies with boys thing-- as parents you have to decide what is right--- but you can't automatically project your experiences onto her. My 14 year old can go in groups of boys and girls. Luckily his group hasn't started pairing up too much, but I'm sure things will be changing soon.
One last thought-- being a Christian, or saying you are one is not a blanket excuse for anything. Some of the nastiest people I've ever encountered go around spouting what a Christian person they are. Actions always speak louder than words.
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